When I bring up the idea of self-compassion in a therapy session, it usually comes with a loving eye roll from the client. I hear responses like “I know, I need to just think more positively” or “I just need to love myself more.”
Not quite. Self-compassion is one of the most misconstrued concepts in mental health. When it is truly understood and practiced, self-compassion can click so much of the healing process into place.
What is Self-Compassion?
Com — with. Passion — suffering.
In Latin, compassion means to suffer with. Self-compassion, then, is the practice of turning toward yourself and your suffering. It is choosing to be present with your pain rather than running from it. This is not the same as toxic positivity, which attempts to bypass pain with manufactured optimism. That’s avoidance in pretty packaging, the very opposite of suffering with.
The Three Elements of Self-Compassion
Researcher Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the leading voices in self-compassion, identifies three essential elements that work together to create genuine self-compassion. Most people are only familiar with one of them. I love educating the clients I see in Nashville on all three and helping them put them into practice. Here they are:
Self-Kindness
Self-kindness is the quality of understanding and support we offer ourselves when we struggle, suffer, or fail. Rather than defaulting to self-criticism or judgment, we take a posture of care, the way we would naturally respond to a close friend. Self-kindness creates a supportive internal foundation that makes it possible to cope with difficulty rather than collapse under it.
This is usually what people picture when they think of self-compassion, but without the other two elements, it’s incomplete.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the turning toward part of self-compassion. It invites us to pay attention to our suffering with acceptance rather than suppressing it (“avoiding”) or becoming completely consumed by it (“over-identifying”). There’s a meaningful difference between “I am experiencing difficulty” and “I am a failure of a human being.” Mindfulness helps us hold our pain accurately, neither minimizing it nor letting it define us.
Common Humanity
This is my favorite of the three and the one most people have never considered. Common humanity is the recognition that to be human is to suffer. Pain has a way of telling us we are the only ones in the world who feel this way, pulling us into isolation and shame. Common humanity gently reminds us that our struggle is not a personal failing, it’s a shared human experience. That reframe alone can transform pain from a source of isolation into a channel for connection.
Why Self-Compassion is Not the Same as Positive Thinking
In my seven years of work in the mental health field, I have not seen someone make lasting progress through applying more self-judgment or positive thinking. Positivity is appealing, sure, and can play a needed role at times. In the case of suffering, though, it can become toxic, a shiny mask for an internal bully that insists we cannot or should not feel our pain. We’re not being grateful enough. We’re being dramatic. Could toxic positivity and shame be distant cousins? I’d argue there’s a case for that.
Self-compassion takes a different path entirely. It doesn’t rely on what we do to make ourselves feel good the way self-esteem does. It doesn’t suppress our pain the way toxic positivity might. And it doesn’t encourage self-criticism.
Instead, when we approach the difficult parts of our story with self-compassion, we create a hospitable internal environment where lasting transformation can occur.
How to Start Practicing Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is a practice, which means it’s something you can build over time. Here’s a few places to start:
Notice Your Inner Critic
Pay attention to how you talk to yourself when things go wrong. Most of us have an inner critic that runs on autopilot. It can sound harsh, relentless, maybe even sassy. It can also run quietly in the background, nudging you with little reminders of your inadequacies. Here’s the surprising part: don’t silence your inner critic right away. Can you just notice it? What does it say? How does it sound? Where is it showing up the most?
In a therapy session, we might explore the role this inner critic has played, how it first learned to take on that role, and what it might look like and feel like to ask it to step so self-compassion and curiosity can drive instead. I love exploring this parts work with clients in Nashville and across Tennessee.
Pause & Get Curious
Curiosity is the best entry point for practicing self-compassion. When you notice you’re struggling, first try asking yourself, “What am I feeling?” or “What am I experiencing?”
Pair this with the app How We Feel, a free and useful tool for developing emotional language and identification.
Notice if the inner critic wants to respond, then take that curiosity further. “How would a close friend respond?” or, “How would my therapist respond?”
Practice the Three Elements of Self-Compassion
A self-compassionate response using the three elements we discussed above would sound like:
- “This feels challenging” or “I’m hurting” (mindfulness without over-identification)
- “I’m not the only one who has experienced this” (common humanity)
- “This is genuinely hard and it’s okay to feel this way” (self-kindness through validation and acceptance)
It can feel awkward and that’s okay. With practice it becomes a genuine reflex. If you feel really uncomfortable speaking in this tone, borrow from someone else’s voice like a close friend, or narrate it in Morgan Freeman’s voice and laugh about it.
Why I Root My Practice in Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is not just a concept I teach but the foundation my entire practice in Nashville is built on. I have seen it create shifts in clients that years of self-improvement strategies and positive thinking couldn’t touch. When we stop fighting our pain and start relating to it differently, something profound becomes possible.
Moreso, self-compassion has a beautiful ripple effect. When we practice it for ourselves, we naturally extend it to others. In our work together, I will model self-compassion for you until you are ready to carry it for yourself.
- Learn more about Julia and her approach to self-compassionate counseling.
- Ready to explore what self-compassion could look like for you? If you are a client in Nashville, Tennessee reach out for a free 15-minute consultation.
Copyright Julia Langner, 2026 | Photos on this website are courtesy of Faith Benson Photography, Shawna Neel, Marissa Volgelsang, and Julia’s iPhone